There were many times in the past two weeks when I felt like penning something here. Either I was stirred by random moments of inspiration or I felt that there was something worthy of writing about. But evidently I never quite got to doing that. Right up till the first week of this year, my life had been moving on at a frenetic and often messy pace: I was literally moving with the flow without pause for reflection and refuelling. And for the first time in as many years, i broke with the tradition of sending out christmas cards by mail because I just couldn't find the time to write messages. I wasn't dead-exhausted or particularly upset, but that's more because I didn't have time to get emotionally affected. Things just keep moving, chugging along.
Then 2009 arrived. I was chilling out at a posh lounge in a 4-star hotel in Vienam when 2008 retreated into history and 2009 officially ascended to the present. Outside the hotel, the rain was beating hard and joined by the swirling wind. Celebrating the new year or pondering its meaning was the last thing on my mind. If anything, it was my pair of incorrigibly wet shoes lying in the bathroom that occupied my mind, but this is quite beside the point.
Looking back at the past year, I can only say that for me it went by faster than any years past. All the same, many good things happened even as I reached a very low point somewhere along the way when I turned a year older. My life hardly gives any inspiration and I don't intend to make a milestone list by way of looking back at 2008. But somewhat ironically, it was the weddings that I attended this month that gave me much to ponder about. Perhaps this is the 'return' I got for attending three weddings in a month (and this is only January!).
When friends around you, one by one, start to get married, it is the surest indication that you are entering another phase of your life. Those in their thirties or older might dismiss this with a sneer, for they've probably long got past this stage (been there, done that) and experienced all the attendant feelings. For those of us who are making and going through this phase however, we probably would have experienced mixed feelings of wistfulness, expectancy, hope tinged with resignation, quiet celebration - probably. It's as though the beginning of the full-fledged adult cycle has dawned, and either you are amongst the main cast or you're at the oft-conspicuous fringes, perhaps contented but hoping nevertheless that attention will not be on you.
At the end of the third wedding, i thought about all the weddings i attended and the one thing that struck me most wasn't marriage or the ang pows (red packets) given, nor was it the fact that everyone seems to be getting hitched or that wedding affairs are mostly the same. In my mind, I was thinking that even as I sometimes speak with dread of the impending wedding (and invites), I've come to recognise that I am going through a definite phase in Life that eventually will come to pass. The poignancy lies in recognition that just as our schooling days make up and are essential to our life journey, so is everything - the good and the bad - that we are currently going through, including something as life-reaffirming as marriage and weddings. The transience of all things is what gives them a bitter-sweet taste, a sombre reminder of the fragile beauty of Life.
Not everything is pleasant admittedly, but i see the importance is to recognise that life is an ongoing journey that will see each of us through similar stages experienced individually. And guess what, the journey is forward going and we all have only one chance to experience and live through each stage, which is ultimately determined most by the time (age) factor. I guess this is just my way of seeing things in perspective, and doing so has allowed me to appreciate what I go through.
Wedding was not the main reason for provoking thoughtfulness; truth be told, it was friendship and friends i met at weddings that prompted introspection. As wedding couples go through rites and live the moment of their wedding banquet, it is reunion for different groups of guests who are associated with one another usually through some significant experiences. As we grow older and each of us has our own commitments and personal life to pursue, one of the hardest things to do is to maintain your relationship with friends. I do regret that some friends aren't as close as before while some friendships i'd have liked to build and see them last did not turn out the way. Unfortunately, when it comes to human relationships, reciprocation is as critical as efforts and chemistry. So, even if not every friendship is ideal, i am making it a point and will continue to make the effort to connect and keep in touch with people whose friendship i treasure and enjoy. Tough work there, but if there's one thing that deserves your focus and attention, this is one worthy cause.
That's all I have for now. 4.50am on the third day of Chinese New Year. I will have to be in office in less than 5 hours time. It's the process, my life's journey, i must remind myself...
Cheers to a fulfilling 2009, all my friends!
