Thoughts on a rainy saturday morning

The toads' ceaseless croaking has finally eased somewhat, giving way to a quieter neighbourhood even as other early afternoon stirrings are emerging. There is still a drizzle falling on this last morning of March. They are the final drops from the downpour that started since 4am. I am guessing this was when the rain started as I was awakened by the loud pelting raindrops at that unearthly hour, only to slip back to heavy slumber shortly after. When I awoke again some four hours ago, at 7am, the blustery weather has still not abated. The Saturday sun was tucked behind a blanket of gloomy clouds that showed no signs of dispersing. It was perfect weather for sleeping in, but I was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep.

After a breakfast of kway chap at the kopitiam, I returned home to enjoy the remaining cool weather. It is nice to stay at home on a rainy weekend morning, away from the air-conditioned office, cool breeze whistling, having time to think about things instead of working away as on most typical mornings. I read the papers - something which I can only do during the weekend now - and tidied my desk a little. Sitting in my room and sometimes staring at the space outside my window, I feel a very simple sense of elation within me, conscious through my own thoughts. It's a feeling of quiet comfort that one sometimes find in a moment of transient equanimity. You feel no sense of ill but experience quiet contemplation that can lead to a sense of inner peace.

I treasure my weekends very much these days. Not that they have suddenly more precious or that I was squandering my weekend life previously. But now that my weekdays are productively spent on work - very hard work - I find it so important that I get a good rest to recharge and refresh when the weekend comes. Perhaps this newfound sense of happy weekending is felt now because I was never quite able to enjoy my weekends fully when I was in my previous job. Now that I am freed of events, training sessions, clearing backlog work and a whole host of other programme-related work, I feel a greater sense of balance returning to my life. The most concrete evidence is the fact that I have been cycling more regularly; and not a weekend pass by without me either hitting the tarmac or the pool. And I love it.

The other day I was sharing with Eugene about my view of weekends. If our weekdays are spent working, and more often than not we are left drained and exhausted at the day's end, it means weekends are the only time we have to do things we like and pursue our interests: in short, to live life. This would work out to 52 weekends a year, a mere 104 days! This being the sordid reality, it becomes absolutely necessary that we spend our weekend time wisely.

I hope my healthy pursuits will sustain and become a habit. My other focus is to read more and finish the uncountable number of books lying around my desk. If you are a regular working folk like I am, I hope you've been enjoying every weekend doing the things you truly enjoy. And take time to do nothing and enjoy the rain once in a while when the morning is misty with pelting drops of water sent from the sky.

After Dark

What I miss about travelling in the past two years is the often limited time I have to wander the streets at night. I guess part of the reason is the pleasure of travelling per se: the joy of exploration, of experiencing foreign customs and culture, of being totally removed from the everyday and the familiar. In short, it's happiness in unreality.

My night walks and roaming in the streets hold a special place though, because it is usually at night that I get to enjoy a bit of uninterrupted free time exploring places and walking about with no particular destination in mind. In the eyes and mind of a foreigner, the night is either shrouded in darkness (which thus urges caution) or punctuated by bright lights that illuminate exuberantly and seduce quietly both at the same time. In this way it maintains a certain ambivalent aura, exhibiting its allure like a shrewd and worldly courtesan who tries to draw you with charm yet is able to keep a coy distance and within the limits dictated by her.

Your night sojourn begins after the sun has gone down. Before you realise it, you have already been swallowed by the after-dark brew of heady concoctions ranging from ceaselessly moving pedestrians to eager restaurants and bars that have thrown open their doors to welcome a city that has been shaken out of its day time sobriety. There's no way to escape the path before you, for everywhere you turn you find the sprawling tentacles of the night drawing you into its entangling embrace.

Walking the streets, you never know what awaits you at the turn down the road or the corner of the building. But the lights or the presence of souls ahead pull you forward, and you allow yourself to be led like a curious child who follows what lies ahead in his path. Sometimes it's the excitement of discovering something unexpected that eggs you on; other times it's just sheer instinct or a sense of loss that is aggravated by fatigue. The prospect of chance discoveries and unexpected encounters are powerful magnets. These are precisely the fruits that you yearn to reap when you throw yourself into the mysterious labyrinth of streets and sidewalks and alleyways. 'Fruits' like a hot, tasty bowl of ramen or barbequed meat. Yes, they count too.

Of late

I did not have the most accomplished weekend, but it was a very decent one nevertheless, and I feel rested and ready for a new week of battles. Some of my friends have asked me how I have been doing in my current job. I tell them I am doing well: I am not unhappy in my current position, neither am I exhibiting much angst as before. I wonder if one can be truly happy in one's profession, for in any type of work there is bound to be both good and bad, both things that you enjoy and do not enjoy doing. Ideally, the enjoyable bits should greatly outweigh the dislikable parts. 

Ironically, of late I have been just as busy, if not busier, at work. I am often wearied out during the week as I leave home when it's barely bright and return only when its deep into the night almost daily. Tired I may be, but I am not frustrated or upset to any degree that leaves me emotionally drained. This is a critical difference from what I was going through previously. In fact, I have started to enjoy what I am doing over the past two weeks. There is still a lot of annoying work that inevitably comes along with dealing with clients and managing multiple deadlines and requests. Yet there is also a sense of excitement in figuring out and managing tactical aspects of the work I am dealing with, while smart-talking colleagues and new learning areas have helped to keep my days interesting and fruitful.

Perhaps much has to do with the environment and nature of my work, which differs greatly from my previous job. Instead of writing endless minutes and polishing one draft after another, I now look at figures and try to decipher their meaning so as to tweak them further to achieve some magical results. I find that I actually don't abhor the idea of being a geek and quite like being one in fact. Working with a small team and having limited resources, I no longer have to contend with a stratified machinery; neither do I have to expand emotional energy to grapple with people issues and a thousand peripheral matters. Even more important, I realise, is that I have more weekends to myself than before. This has given me time to recuperate between one battle-weary week and the next, thereby helping to restore some degree of balance in a life that will never cease working. I can charge ahead and work my ass off during the week, but it is important that I have time to do other things in life, time which I can only afford during the weekend. 

Happily, I am starting to find myself living healthier weekends these days. That has also made me greedy and hungry for even more weekend time even as I try to have a productive weekend every week. For there is just so much that I want to do over Saturday and Sunday. It sounds like I have a lot to do, but the ingredients for a happy weekend for me are pretty simple: time for sleeping, time for coffee and food, time for exercise, and time for reading. I went for a jog on Saturday evening and felt so good after that, having tried, unsuccessfully, to catch up with a much older man whom I swear was running at a IPPT 2.4km Platinum pace (aka above Gold Standard pace!). Then on Sunday. I wanted to cycle and run and swim all at the same time, but needless to say I couldn't do it even if I were a triathlete. I swam in the end and made up my mind that I would not linger longer than the time needed to complete my laps, just so I can scoot off for a cuppa after that (it was already late evening then). I managed to do both, and you know how setting goals for yourself and achieving them gives a great deal of satisfaction. 

So now I am ready to plunge back into the depths of the work and I think I can handle all the crises that will be surfacing during the week. Just leave my weekend untouched and I will work hard over the next 5 days. Promise.

I hope you enjoy your work and weekends too. Gambate!


Late evening jog by the lake on Saturday


A heart gift from yesteryear


Aspiring to be owner of a chic van


Girl & Her Doggie


Coffee Grounder


Sunday Cuppacino


Sunday Cuppacino with Murakami's 1Q84


1Q84: Tengo visits his Dad & the Cat Story


Looking for its script writer


My trusty un-DSLR cammie


Potions in a wooden chemical holder


View in front of me


Hello Kitty.

微风漂流，此时此刻

夜晚的光灯照亮着，熟悉的歌曲重复寻味，我手里握着村上春树的作品，随着故事的情节将情绪给牵动。

黄昏的微风细细飘过，带来一阵畅怀凌静的感觉，让人心理感到非长舒适。总是在这种普普通通站在或走着路上的当儿，突然间会感触良多，想起一些人海生涯里琐碎的东西，通常都跟情感有关的念头。

过了不久巴士到了，我也收拾了心情上了巴士。周末傍晚的巴士乘客并不多，看到空无人的座位，我非常开心的往座位坐了下来，享受超舒服的冷气，继续阅读村上春树的神妙故事。

真希望巴士的路途遥远，路程不会那么快结束。这，是我常常在悠闲傍晚乘搭巴士时所抱着的秘密希望。

可它最总还是会辜负我，又能怎么办呢？只好专注目前的时刻，享受此时此刻的过程吧！

停下来

车辆不停的流动

黄昏悄悄的取代午后

宁人夜晚逐渐的崛起

直到城市被黑夜遮盖

生活步伐放慢，温顺一些。

地球不停的传动

分秒不停的流失

人也随着时空不停的奋斗，不懈的繁忙。

在不停的忙碌， 不停的迈进，不停也不觉时间不停流失的当儿，有时候当你稍微停下脚步喘口气时，顿时也会思考自己此时在宇宙与时空里的存在和价值，心情不知不觉的也会随着脑海的思维松懈下来。周遭的宁静变成脑海里思想的无限海洋，给予烦闷心情所需的平静与温和的动力。

那一晚，我站在走廊从高点望下那不停不懈的城市，我便是发觉自己此时处于这个思境。身心疲累的我，却因停顿所得到的平息而感到一番心平气和，一份城市人所需要的安慰。

Last Weekend

I spent a long and tiring week at work the week before, staying late in office on most days till past 10pm. So when Friday finally arrived, I was filled with tremendous relief and joy. The punishing week was bad, yet it was bad in such a way that made me eager and determined to enjoy a carefree weekend. That means getting a good dose of rest, taking things easy and slow, and doing things that I like. In fact, because the entire week had been so bad, it wasn't difficult at all for my weekend to be enjoyable. On Friday night, after clearing up the last hurdles and leaving the office, my mind drifted into the realm of silly thoughts as I waited at the bus-stop. It had made an effortless switch from work mode to a 'I'm done for the week and I care not for anything in the world' mode.

While waiting for the bus and during the short bus journey to the train station, I began to entertain thoughts of what a perfect weekend should be like after a harried week like this one: it would be kind of nice if my weary body ought to be delivered into a Sleep Chamber. Somehow, the idea just came to my mind. I can only guess that it's fueled by a deep craving for a good, long sleep. A sleep chamber sounds enticingly welcoming, for not only would it enforce a sleep regime, but it also allows for an uninterrupted period of rest. It's a bit ike how the top pugilists in the pugilist world would periodically retreat into some secluded cave so they can't be disturbed while they are harnessing some deep inner powers. (Of course, in every show these old worldly elders always ended up being disturbed, often right at the last day of their retreat whereupon they would emerge with new levels of powers.) But I digress. I just needed a lot, a lot of sleep to rejuvenate my tired body.

Saturday and Sunday came and gone by nevertheless. They were, however, a splendidly lovely pair of S-days that can be summed up by three things: favourite snacks, relaxing sport, charming places. I would have liked to have more time to catch up with reading and sleep even more, but a weekend is a weekend is only a two-day interlude. Often I thought about this: The irony of wishing to spend a quality weekend is that you need to do some advance planning so that precious in-between hours are not wasted and scheduling clashes are avoided. Because the weekend is so short, you feel like you need to squeeze every minute out of it and do something productive or fruitful. Otherwise come Monday you will feel a sense of betrayal and regret at having squandered precious free time. Yet the whole point of a weekend is not to be sucked back into a semblance of routine and planning. Yes, you need to have a sense of how you want to spend the time; yet you don't want to feel obliged to plan and then stick to it like how the weekdays are bound and run on a scheduled engine. My personal experience tells me that those who are highly disciplined, decisive and determined often have things planned out in advance and tend to adhere to the plan. Those who are more lackadaisical, accommodating and less forceful, on the other hand, are the ones who go with the flow. I like to think I always try to find a balance between over-planning and under-planning, though in the case of weekend I tend to not make plans in advance at all.

I managed to be a bit of a bum over the weekend, and I felt really relaxed at not having anything on my schedule. No more Chinese New Year gatherings, no more reports to worry about. I travelled to places that I always wanted to check out, ate some super yummy favourite food, and took photos of lots of nice things. In place of running and cycling, I managed to swim not just once but twice over the weekend. This was quite a record, since I've not swum during the weekend for a very long time. And as a result of this happy weekend, I find myself a pretty contented worker this week so far.


Dawn. Friday. 


Espresso Haus


A Bright Opening


I can keep on eating this. Dozens. Every day.


Kaya Butter Toast done the perfect way. Absolute delight.
 

Coffee is consistently good.


Leaves. Freely.


Imagination Expired


S-A-L-E


Doggie Trio. Hello!


Vacant


Cashier Chic


Red Against Blue


A Charming Fat Lady

Time

"We live in time - it holds us and moulds us -  but I've never felt I understood it very well. And I'm not referring to theories about how it bends and doubles back, or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time, which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly: tick-tock, click-clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us time's malleability. Some emotions speed it up, others slow it down; occasionally, it seems to go missing - until the eventual point when it really does go missing, never to return." 

- The Sense of an Ending, Julian Barnes

The past, the future: 2011 to 2012

Over breakfast the other day, the few of us were on the topic of cameras when Eugene remarked that he couldn't recall when was the last time he used his camera. He takes photographs occasionally, using his iPhone which has a built-in camera. With camera-enabled smart phones these days, he observed, there is no need to carry a camera around since a mobile phone could perform the same role. Our kopi-talk then shifted to the pre-digital camera days which we all recall fondly. Those were the days of film camera when you can't see the photographs taken instantly. Whenever a roll of film was sent for developing - especially after a vacation - we would be waiting excitedly to see the developed photographs. K shared that he once went straight to the film shop from the airport to drop rolls of film for processing right after he returned from a trip. Such was the excitement of seeing the pictures taken, as compared to seeing digital images instantly today.

A week ago, I uploaded pictures taken in 2011 which I had compiled into a '2011 album'. This has become a tradition which I started only a year ago. The idea behind the album is not to walk down memory lane, but to share the photos which I had taken over the past year but had neither the time nor energy to upload and share. It's like being on a high speed train and it's only at the end of the frenetic journey, when the train slows down, that I found time to pause and organise the contents that have accumulated throughout the journey. Besides, I like to dabble in some creative pursuits now and then. Putting disparate photographs together into a album allows me to string together a year's worth of highlights (excluding those events whose pictures I've already uploaded) and making a running commentary of sorts. I like the fact that I can also view these favourite pictures anytime - so long as I have my mobile phone and there's internet connection. Pictures and words, I've said before, pretty much fill the narrative of my life.

By all accounts, twenty eleven was a year of many highs. I've grown older (as in any year), lived another year's of life experiences, made some new friends, learnt a few lessons, and laughed more. January was a special month because I had three pairs of friends getting married. I know all of them from different stages of my life, but they have all gotten hitched as husband and wife at the same time, that glorious January of 2011. Lisa not only married JM, but she got pregnant soon after and gave birth to Lucas last month. I am terribly happy for both of them. She's one of my most cherished friends and I am happy to see her so blessed and now going through motherhood. It's one of life's beauties that you know another human being at a young age and progress to seeing him/her move through life and creating another life that will soon come full circle. We were barely teenagers when our paths crossed in a stroke of divinity. Now she's a mother already and we are no longer the impish and innocent young teens that we used to be.

The other two friends who got married in January, they are both lovely and wonderful people with whom I clicked easily. Coincidentally, I found out this week that Josh is going to be a Daddy while the Chongs are also expecting their first child. I feel happy for both of them even though I didn't learn of the news sooner. It wasn't long ago that Josh and I were talking about his impending fatherhood. Now it's for real. For Yvon and Dan, I think they are going to have a beautiful child who's going to inherit their athletic finesse and good looks. From a trip that Yvon and I went on together 5 years ago to her wedding in January this year and now impending motherhood, I think time has been kind and I feel blessed for making two more good friends who are warm and genuine people.

Myself - it would take many paragraphs and pages to write about my 2011 experience, but suffice to say that the most profound change is my switch in profession. I not only quit my job but I gave up a lot of salary and moved into a completely different industry, one in which I lacked both knowledge and the requisite networks to get by comfortably. But in embracing change and uncertainty (and perhaps insecurity), I left behind a lot of angst and unhappy stress. Since then I have been able to run more, sleep more, cycle more, and complain less. Things are still tough and I am not sure if this is what I want to do in the long run, but at least right now I am learning new things and leaving behind the past. This is not to say that I've had a bad time previously; I was alone battling many things and exhausting every ounce of my energy, but that also forced me to manage difficulties and be a survivor. At the end of the day it is the relationships and my interactions with people that give meaning to what I do. I am glad I have gained from all this. But now I have reached another crossroad, and it's time for me to move on.

There are other things that I want to write about, but I think 2011 on the whole has been about friends who have reached their milestones in life and of me getting through tough times and moving on to the next phase in my working life. Blessed also is Kel who found out, got treated immediately, and survived cancer, and we all survived a potential nightmare.

Twenty Twelve has barely started, but I know before long we will be crossing the first month, then the first quarter, followed by the first half. I have no resolutions to make because I will not keep them. But I hope I will be happier in 2012, keep up with new and old friends, read more books, live a more healthy life and become wiser and richer in my experiences. For my friends, I hope the same for them and I can't wait to share their happiness - those who have just turned parents, those who are turning into parents, and a couple of them who are getting married this year.

the aged truth

Can anyone be more brutally frank when they haven't met you for a while (say more than a year) and upon meeting up, tell you without the slightest hesitation: 'You've aged!' If you didn't think someone look the same or become even more youthful after a long absence, you wouldn't go the other way and say he's aged right? I'm amused, maybe a little sad, but not at all offended. After all, the mirror that I see myself in everyday doesn't lie; work has made me a haggard man, sadly. But this incident stood out because these were the first words that came out of JL and it was even before I sat down after I arrived!

Yani was kinder. She said I look the same but funkier (because of my glasses). I think most people are so used to seeing me in stiff, boring work clothes so much so that they exclaim or get surprised at how I look when I'm in casual wear. Seriously, when you have to be dressed in proper shirt and pants for 5 days a week, you don't really have that many options to look different each day. You would still be wrapped in business shirt and pants no matter the details of the shirt or the accessories you use.

The other day, my (female) colleagues saw me for the first time in smart casual wear on Friday, and they joked that I have become an Ah-Boy. But I look no different that day compared to the past 30 days - except that I was in short sleeved shirt and jeans. But still, that's the kind of reaction I got. All I can say is that being called Ah Boy is better than to have aged.

Yours truly,
Ah Boy

pedal. rain.

It's been pouring since morning. Though it's evening now there seems to be no difference in the time because the sky's been gloomy and overcast since the first torrent of raindrops came beating down this morning.

As I held my umbrella and shielded myself from the splattering rain this afternoon, I thought of the last Malaysia ride we had - of being caught in the rain and getting our bike and ourselves drenched with rainwater.

I hated it when we are caught in the rain while cycling overseas. But for a moment just now, I felt a tinge of yearning to cycle in the rain: pedal, pedal, pedal; feeling the icy coldness cut my skin and the relentless droplets attack my eyes; the pedaling keeps going on, our mind carrying just one singular thought that no one needs to spell out: let us get to our destination as quickly as we can.

Sun goes down

As the sun goes down and takes along with it all the heady heat of the day, my heart soothes a little with the slowly darkening sky. The music in the bookstore wafts through the cafe, putting me in a relaxed mood. All that's missing is a bit of jazz.

I stared into the space outside the window, wondering if night heralds a gentler city and erases the troubles of the day.

All that remains is a void to be filled by gentle darkness.

Thunder & Lightning zzzzzz

As I am writing this now, flashes keep appearing from the corner of my eye. I guess it's a kind of enjoyment, in an inexplicable way, to be up at nearly 2am with the constant company of lightning and thunder. The night sky's been set nearly ablaze by the furious lightning. I swear if this were converted into usable energy, the entire island-state could run on electricity for a good, say, 10 minutes? Gee, the Lightning God just doesn't get tired. At this hour.

The thing about crackling thunder and zig-zagging lightning is that it's best enjoyed snuggled in bed and in sleep.

So why am I not doing just that? Blame it on a long work day. As usual, I am trying to find some social indulgence at an hour when it is least social. Life's like that sometimes: you live in an irony, and the irony just takes you further in a self-perptuating way, till it becomes sardonic or downright grievous. If you can't change the course of things, you can take respite by enjoying the simple things in life, like hearing the rumble of thunder and seeing the beauty of lightning flashes.

Adr's Garden Project

My good friend Adr is showing signs of becoming domesticated. Armed with a huge yellow canvas Ikea bag, he was shopping for equipment to build his latest project: a garden. While I know the outdoors and nature run in his (green) blood, I didn't know he's taken a liking to gardening.

I think Shyuan asked if snails could be grown inside the bottle garden. He said no, because they will eat the leaves. We ventured further and suggested other insects. Somehow the conversation ended with a lion being grown (or should it be reared?) inside the garden of mystique. Shyuan also managed to get herself a free garden, courtesy of her newly domesticated man. In the meantime, Shyuan and I amused ourselves by trying our best to capture a shot of Adr in domesticity. We both succeeded. A photo was uploaded promptly by Shyuan. And being very wise people, we know about his reputation and was prepared for a tsunami of responses.

Last I checked, the photo has garnered 16 comments/likes. My friend can become a popular garderner soon.

A beautiful day

On those days when I'm not working and get to spend my mornings outdoor, I am often reminded of how beautiful mornings are and, consequently, how much I am missing each day. So I am grateful that the perfect morning weather today was not wasted.