letting go

Yesterday night i went cycling with Jon, K and Kiat. They were all on road bikes and i had to draft them all the way coz they were going very fast. We went the usual way starting from KAP towards Kranji > Neo Tiew > Lim Chu Kang > West Coast. We skipped Tuas and ended off at South Buona Vista Road for the orgasmic iced milo we had the other time. Unfortunately it was almost midnight and the shop had already closed. So we settled for an indian shop which was the only one still open. I ordered iced milo, which turned out to be just all right.

K gave me a pair of absolutely fabulous jersey. It couldn't fit him and he thought i would be a better fit. I was of course very excited, though the excitement was kind of short lived. When i tried it on at home, i found the armholes to be rather tight and uncomfortable. Everything else about it is ok except that. When i emailed K this morning and said i would return it to him, he said that cycling jerseys are supposed to fit snugly, suggesting perhaps that the jersey fits me well just that i may not know. I wished so. The last thing i want is to accept the jersey only to find that wearing it whilst on the go feels plain uncomfortable. I would have done an injustice to K's efforts.

At any rate K is an incredibly nice guy. A lawyer in his mid-thirties, he has the boyish good looks of a twenty-something. I've said before that when i first learnt about his age, i was struck with increduity. It must be good genes; else, he must surely be in grasp of the secret to eternal youthful looks.

At our rest-stop, we found out that his mum doesn't know he will be cycling to Kuantan next week. In fact, she doesn't know that he rides regularly. Then he says something that is true of all mothers: 'No matter how old you are, mothers being mothers, they will always be worried and think everything is dangerous. Diving, too dangerous; cycling on the road, cannot; etc, etc.' I know this too well myself. No matter how old we are, even when we've become parents ourselves, we will still be someone's son or daughter. Most mothers would rather their child be less adventurous, live a placid life where every possible sort of harm or risk is kept at bay: because at the bottom of their heart, their ultimate concern is to see her child safe and healthy.

My mum, of course, knows that i ride a bike. It was after years of resistance that i finally got approval to buy my own bike. I guess at some point of time, all mothers would have to reconcile with the fact that their beloved boy/girl has grown up and is now an adult who can make his/her own decisions. It doesn't mean that their worries stop upon that reconciliation, but it means letting go of the child, supporting him/her in what he/she does but never hesistating to caution, rebuke, help and protect him/her from all harm.

Being a cyclist, i only know all too well that cycling on the road can be - indeed it is - a very dangerous affair. Ask any cyclist and chances are he or she has had a brush with accident/death before. In Singapore especially, there's no road culture wherein cyclists are duly respected as rightful users of the road alongside other powerful and menacing vehicles. Bicycles, i dare say, are regarded more as peripheral vehicles which have somewhat less legitimate a right to travel on the road than say a car or bus. Thus it is that many drivers are either impatient or do not give much regard for cyclists - they don't give the latter the right of way at a junction or they simply drive dangerously close past cyclists. For the cyclist who is exposed and not shielded as a driver in the interior of his vehicle is, he/she is vulnerable and feels even more so when a vehicle whizzes or roars past.

Therefore i can understand my mum's fears. It is for the same reason that i never tell her how far i cycle each time, or where i cycle to, for that matter. She might just freak out. For most of us young people who are active in sports or whatever matters or activities that involve any risk, be it to our general well-being or in a financial or emotional aspect, we often do not inform our parents of the full picture. Sometimes that's because they won't understand even after you explained several times. But very often we don't want to because we don't want them to be uneccessarily worried for us. (Plus, their worrying would end up making us just as worried for them, their emotional well-being.) When one becomes a parent, every stage of one's child's life is a new phase that has never before been experienced. It is a journey of constant learning and coping, one that continues throughout life. The way i see it, as sons or daughters we do play a role in helping our (worried) parents help themselves adjust to changes (which can be abrupt and worrying or unpleasant), accept the changes that inevitably would take place as we grow older (though not necessarily more sensible), and cope with these changes. We play a role - because we are part of the change. Not telling your parents the whole truth of certain matters at the outset can also mean giving them time to learn about things and slowly coming to terms with the change.

Letting go is not easy; it can be painful even. But all parents have to learn to let go, and it's possible that as their child we can and should help ease that process for them while expanding our personal space, one which is so important for us to be able to live happy and learn independence and maturity. This is something that takes place throughout our lives - only one day, as someone's father or mother, we begin to straddle two roles and see things from our parents' perspective.