Feeling out

After a while, it became quite apparent that i shouldn't have come. I was like a solitary peasant in an aristocratic group, or a piece of chinese chess amidst several pieces of English chessmen. The incongruity extends to our dress attire: I was the only one in business wear - having come down from work - they in casual clothes. I wasn't made to feel out of place, but the unfortunate fact is that I am out of place. The conversations were spontaneous and free-flowing, laughter aplenty, setting cozy (8 of us around a table by the pool). But i hardly contributed to the converstations, and lesser still to the laughter that erupted every few minutes.

They recounted scandals of classmates, traded comments, shared knowing jokes, and contested opinions; I tried my best to look comfortable and involved, recalled hard some of the names that surfaced, and smiled weakly when smart jibes and jokes were exchanged. Their openness and unreserved comments spoke of the camaraderie that was forged in the past few months, during which their interaction must have been intense and extensive, as necessitated by the structure of the course; my silence and loss showed the extent to which i had distanced from them and from studies.

As the night stretched on, it became more painful for me. I couldn't partake in the conversations because I barely knew the issues and people they spoke about. They talked with much vigour, laughed heartily, while I looked cheerless, tired from the long day at work. It was all the more awkward for me because we were a small group, huddled round a retangular wooden table with drink bottles and unfinished pizza on it. And so i could only sit and listen, hoping my odd presence would be forgotten. I thought of leaving early a few times but decided against it as that would only reveal my uneasiness and accentuate my sense of alienation. But I wasn't deluded: much as i knew how out of place i was, they must have also felt the same of me; decorum forbids them to make any mention of my obvious silence and displacement.

Finally time was on my side. Sensing it was an appropriate moment to announce my departure, I excused myself and told them i had to catch the last train - which was true. I bade them farewell, the host thanked me for coming, then I walked down the slope and out of the gate, hastening my steps as I moved further away from them, further from the isolation and sense of unbelonging that engulfed me the whole time i was there.